Our parents, the people we grew up around and the environment we grew up in, had their way of loving and expressing love to others.
There is no wrong or right here, that was their own way.
My environment made me think different things about love.
That, it’s a game, it’s all about being the smartest person, you’ll have to fight different people to show you are worthy of a man’s love(from my perspective as a woman), you’ll have to suffer emotionally and mentally, sometimes physically to be worthy of being seen as marriage material.
I saw the way people loved, I did not want that for myself.
I know I didn’t.
I always used to say, “I’ll never get married”(it used to annoy my mum).
I still say it(not to annoy her), because the type of marriage they had, is not something I want to be a part of, or would want for any of the children I am fortunate to have pass through me.
And because people don’t see this as normal or don’t understand the idea of someone not wanting to walk the paths of their parents, I am always misunderstood. I know that I don’t need to explain to anyone apart from the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I have realized there are a lot of people like me.
A lot of our mums carry long time resentment and hurt because of their experience with love & marriage. But they will still encourage you with a big smile on their face, “do and get married”, “marriage is a beautiful thing”, “marriage is the greatest achievement for a woman”. While they are sad, heartbroken and bitter inside.
And most of the time, they don’t share this with their children. And I understand that.
Why would they want to burden you with that, but you can see what’s happening. How one treats the other, how they express love to each other, how they always fight in your presence but will never share a kiss or do something a tad bit romantic in front of you.
I don’t know where all these started from but we are broken, and don’t want to accept it.
I want love and to spend the rest of my life with someone but I don’t want marriage(or should I say, their idea of marriage).
Crazy right? I know.
People focus so much on “their end goal” which is marriage, but forget it’s the relationship that makes or breaks everything. For example, we take our relationships for granted, and expect magic to happen once we exchange I do(s).
We work hard to build our companies, businesses and careers through consistency, learning, being committed, constantly working on ourselves, and having values that will help achieve the intended goal, which is success. But when it comes to love and relationships, we treat it like it doesn’t matter, but swear up and down and scream at people who don’t want marriage about how important it is to be married.
This is not only about romantic relationships, this spreads across platonic relationships and the relationship we have with ourselves.
Our businesses are successful because of the intention, the work we put into it, and the habits we created around it. But for love and relationships, we wait for a wedding date to manifest a brand new us.
Like “New year, New me”.
LOL
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
Will Durant
Everything may change for you when you decide on who you want to be, not who you are expected or told to be.
For love, I never felt like I was good enough.
And now, I know I am enough but I am still healing from it all.
You learn how to love from your first years on earth and mine broke me.
But once you start to redefine things for yourself, like, when you stop listening to what society, religion or your parents think you should do or not do, your life will change.
Let me be clear here: I mean you are the only one that knows what’s best for you. That doesn’t mean you can’t seek for their advice or guidance.
My life has changed a lot. I finally feel safe enough to want what I want.
They say we want things we didn’t have as kids or while we were growing up and I believe that’s true.
I don’t want to have a family like the one I was raised in. No one is perfect, that’s why my healing is important to me.
Healing my inner child and redefining things for myself, like what love means to me.
We do not heal in isolation. When we reach out and connect with one another—when we tell the story, name the hurt, grant forgiveness, and renew or release the relationship—our suffering begins to transform.
Tutu Desmond
When I was younger, I didn’t really have the right words to express what I didn’t want. But now, I know clearly what I don’t want. (That’s how you figure out what you want)
If you don't know what you want…
— Lemon Coffee 🩷 ☯🎙️📝 (@rellaejirika) June 24, 2022
Start with what you don't want.
If you don't know what you like…
Start with what you don't like.
And for me, it’s more like who I want and don’t want to be.
I don’t want to be someone who plays games, especially with the people I love.
I don’t want to be someone who pretends.
I don’t want to be an ego driven, dishonest and unkind partner.
I want to be someone that remembers that I love you even when I am pissed at you.
I want to be someone who makes mistakes, learns and grows from them
I want to be someone who practices gratitude for everything in my life
I know I want a connection that our inner child heals and isn’t afraid to express itself.
A connection where we never stop getting to know each other, and learning how we want to be loved.
A connection that allows us to be our individual selves.
A connection that we can grow, build a life together and always do better.
A connection we can serve each other, and serve together.
A connection with compassion first.(Life is hard lol)
And I know that these things I have shared, I have already. Because that’s how I treat myself.
These things are not dreamt of, it takes working on yourself and working together.
I know after reading this you’ll get the idea that I am a hopeless romantic.
LOL, yes I am.
And I am walking this journey with forgiveness, healing and becoming more aware of how I treat myself and others.
Some people may tell you that, “you have high standards”, but it’s sad and disgraceful how many times we as girls were told this as teenagers or young adults, meaning we were not worth it, or you’ll never find someone that will treat you the way you want.
Well, I say to you today, don’t let people project their fears on you, or make you feel like you are not worth the most beautiful love and experience in the universe.
Maybe you should make that a mantra
I know I’ll be fine, I hope you know you will too.
Thank you for reading.
Cindy- Goddess of Love and everything uplifting lol
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