The life lesson right now is “individuating”, completely ridding myself of external validation gotten from romantic relationships.
Individuation: the development of the individual from the universal. The purpose of individuation is to bring about wholeness in the individual. Wholeness allows the individual to be authentic in the world
Before embarking on my healing journey, ever since I was 15, I jumped from one relationship to another, one connection to another. Never being by myself, healing my inner child got me to understand why I was doing that.
Healing a lot of thing requires you most times to dig deep, go inside, and figure out why you believe and do certain things.
And the origin story was, “To be a good woman you need to have a good relationship/marriage”. And I was for a long time trying to be a good girl/woman.
And I hold a grudge for this.
The grudge
Girls are raised and groomed to be good wives from a very young age, from how they speak, how they dress, learning how to cook and clean, learning how to be accepting and enduring to certain behaviors like accepting things like “that is how boys/men behave”, “this is what men like”, men do not like fat women(so girls eventually develop an eating disorder or an unhealthy relationship with food) all focused on what boys/men/male gender find acceptable.
It is a very toxic way of raising girls. It needs to stop.
Now, back to my post.
I discovered why I was seeking validation from the opposite sex and that was the origin. My life was centered around trying to be good or seen as good. It meant I was good enough when in any relationship and there was something I did wrong when it ended.
And with each relationship, I began to resent and dislike myself. By the time I was 22, I had no sense of self. I had nothing I liked. I did not have a dream of my own. They were all borrowed from my partners.
Being a teen/adolescent is when things are transactional.
It is the period when you seek validation from your parents, teachers, guardians, and peers. And I was failing in the authoritative sections of my panel of validation givers.
They all had something to say about me. I was never enough.
I was around people who criticized everything, from my character to my physical appearance, telling me who I was, and I listened. I wanted to be a good girl because no one likes a bad girl.
So I find this period necessary.
I have been healing. I have worked towards figuring out who I am, what I like, and my dreams. I reconnected with my 13-year-old self again. I rediscovered the things I loved, my personality, and the things I wanted out of life, they were all silenced for a long time.
I am grateful for this journey, for everything that happened and how it happened. grateful that I made these mistakes in the early parts of my life, and I am at this point with all my lessons and blessings.
Individuating has been challenging.
It is hard because it is unfamiliar.
It’s hard in the moments when I forget to trust myself and my intentions and when I am not living in the present moment.
In all my past relationships, I allowed their validations to get to me. I needed it to feel good about myself. I needed to hear I was smart different/one of a kind, a good cook, and a wife material. All these boxes ticked to feel like I was good enough.
But now, I understand what all these meant. I was playing the role people wanted me to.
It was not about me.
As an adult, when I do the inner-child meditation, I hug her because she was scared, confused and traumatized. I resented my parents, especially my mum, but I learned to forgive them because they did the best they could with what they knew.
I am older and free now to choose who I want to be.
So, individuating and embracing this time I have with myself is everything. Not seeking external validation, especially from romantic partners, has been triggering, but it has been worth it. I wrote this as an intention/goal for the year, to get to the point where I am more secure in myself. Then, I had no idea how it will go, but I see it now.
Reminding myself that I am complete, I am enough, and learning not to take things personally has been one of the best lessons of my life. And today, I do not need my partner to make me feel good about myself, to make me feel complete, and to make me feel like I am good enough.
I am.
I know that, and I plan to share this enoughness and wholeness with whoever it is and the people in my life.
And so, if I were to send a message to my 15-year-old self, I would not change anything because she has led me to where I am today.
I’ll simply give her a hug and say to her “you are enough”.
Thanks for reading!
Cindy
What is life teaching you right now?
Featured Image: Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash
