My inner child is triggered and hurting.
Currently, I am dealing and trying to heal from something that I have always felt but never clearly understood. Flashbacks from my childhood, most of the things I haven’t healed from are resurfacing.
Honestly, I don’t really hate that I am now feeling this, because one thing I want to do is heal from the things I experienced. So, they’ll come up once in a while, especially when they are triggered.
I hate the feeling of sadness and loneliness that comes with it. Feeling unloved and neglected and as kids, we may not know how to process these emotions, we just carry and suppress it. Being back to school to finish a degree I started 9 years ago and dropped out of is triggering all these events for me.
That familiar feeling of disappointment, loneliness, feeling like there is no one there that understands or sees you.
I hope this doesn’t give you the impression that I am not grateful for all I have, and all I have been through, I am. I am also okay with the fact that I recognize these feelings, will love to let them go, forgive and heal from it.
I am not an only child to say I was the only one experiencing this, I wasn’t, and I hope they too get to heal from it.
One thing I have come to realize is, we think the amount of times we say “I love you” and “I care about you” is enough.
Words without actions.
We make promises and don’t follow through, we say we will do something but never do. I am hurting, because my inner child used to believe all these and was very disappointed each time. A lot of people think as kids you don’t understand, but you do, and did back then.
And you know the difference between “I couldn’t make it” and “I chose not to”, no one wants to feel like they are not a priority in your life…
A lot of people(especially in the Nigeiran culture) think money replaces love and affection, I mean… money is important and these are too. But each time, I see people make excuses for people not showing affection but expecting it.
I have become one of those people who don’t expect things from others, that’s how you get hurt. So why am I hurting now? because it sucks feeling like you can’t rely on these particular set of people.
I wish they called once in a while, that would mean something. I wish they picked up once in a while, it would also mean something. You can’t help but feel bad when you see your peers have a different relationship with their parents.
But, you are also that aware to recognize that they are not the same and they have different backgrounds, responsibilities and priorities.
Having both parents present doesn’t shield you from feeling these things.
If you have experienced this, I hope my inner child rant makes you feel like you are not alone.
I am hurting and I will be okay, that I know.
Sometimes to heal, you have to get to the root of it and a lot of our childhood experiences influence who we are being now.
Recognize it and heal from it.
Thank you for reading,
Cindy.
Featured Image: Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
