At a particular time, you start to search for answers. Answers for the reason why things are not going the way you planned, for why your life has taken a turn in a different direction, and to why it is not getting better.
We just want to know why.
But often we search in the wrong places. We go seeking answers from external sources without looking inside.
Last two years, I remember signing up on this astrologist’s site Mary, I moved to this because I wasn’t getting answers from religion, I wanted to know why things were just going wrong, why I was having financial problems, why relationships were not working, why I was sad, why I didn’t have a direction, who I was etc. I had A lot of questions this was a very difficult time for me, I was still dealing with a complicated break up; trust me it was I’ll write about break-ups and relationship in another post.
At this point I was just searching for answers and not looking inside, deep inside, I needed answers so maybe I could just wait for the time it gets better and go back to sleepwalking.
I remember getting emails from Mary and just thinking oh nice the next three months there is going to be an improvement in the financial part of my life because then for me having money = happiness or a new person will come into your life and make it spectacular, oh nice I might find someone who will not leave me LOL. Then those three months went by and nothing no improvement, It was depressing, I felt stuck just stuck, no progress no regress. It is so much easier writing about it now.
The only good and exciting thing for me then was new crush LOL. What sealed the deal with Mary was she predicted my favourite number *SMH I remember how excited I was that I had found a prophet. I remember telling new crush about it, he thought it was ridiculous and really it was but it didn’t matter then because I just needed answers.
Even though I was trying to find answers to my question, I was still doing the wrong things, still giving ex-boyfriend chances to mess with my mind more, still making bad decisions, caring for people that didn’t need it so maybe I could be cared for in return.
Never get too attached to anyone.
This went on till the final thing that eventually broke me, I had a moment of realization I saw myself, and it came from what my ex-boyfriend said about me to someone, and yes that got to me and it hurt me because it was true. I couldn’t recognize me any more this made me very sad. The next year I moved out of the old place because I couldn’t live there any more it was filled with sad memories, I ended everything with the ex with an angry “Don’t ever in your life text me or call me“I think*LOL.
I got a cooking job I was still sad but I thought okay this is it Mary is right I’m gonna be rich soon and happy again. This went on I was stressed from the job, I was gaining weight despite the fact that I was running and exercising it was very depressing I could no longer take it, I decided to quit the job also because I was not getting paid on time, I was promised payment soon, but then I didn’t get paid I was so hurt because I needed the money for rent, this confirmed for me that I had been cursed LOL.
I remember those months of being angry I couldn’t let it go, I was hurting and crying, I would still get jobs like cooking gigs, making drinks, baking, project work and assignments and still get cheated #NOPAY.
Eventually, a friend that had been away for a while came back and I started to get better because I was able to share what was going on with me, my friend made me feel like it was okay and its normal for me to feel that way and that I wasn’t cursed.
I basically started evaluating my life, identifying the problems and how I can be able to resolve them, realizing that all this while it wasn’t about money I was not happy, and I was broken inside, and I had been like that for a while but I ignored it, I had been doing things wrong compensating with relationships and money.
I never felt it was important to love me, instead, I give that to other people and expect it in return. I used to think, staying there and taking BullShit from boyfriends showed how much I loved them “that’s really upsetting”.
Honestly, I always thought I needed to be perfect just to be accepted, you have to do this, you have to know how to do this, you need to look this way or those other crazy things we were being told while growing up so that people can love you “that’s messed up”.
I got rid of a lot of things first, negativity; hmm I can be so pessimistic I always used to think the worst, just so I don’t expect too much and get disappointed, then unhealthy relationships yup ambivalent relationships had to go and old unhealthy habits this was a huge struggle, I got rid of Mary too and many others.
Letting go of the whole experience was very difficult especially the part where I didn’t get paid but finally, I did. I found videos about people who went through the same thing well, almost the same and yeah that’s how I discovered Lisa Nichols, I love her.
Now I just look inside, practice patience and kindness and try not to worry. I am happy those things happened and some things didn’t, like a new relationship especially at that time without healing or getting over the last relationship, that would have been a very big mistake because I needed to check in with myself.
Maybe Mary could have worked for a lot of people and maybe religion too might get you the answers you need but I hope you have someone there for you, if you don’t and you are going through that “life kick in the butt phase” or “rock bottom phase” I hope you know its normal and it is time for you to wake up and fight for your life and start living instead of existing.
Stop searching for answers from external sources look within.
Sometimes you have to forget everything you have learned and start learning again.
The choices we make are very important.
The universe sends you what you need.
Just sharing a story.
