Birthday post: Me in my past relationships

Hi there, this is one post I have been trying to avoid. Mainly because I didn’t like who I was in any of my past relationships.

I’m talking about the gratefulness, the insecurities, the silence, the negativity, the worrying, the hiding, the yearning, the not wanting to be too much or too sensitive, the unhealthy everything. I was dealing with a lot inside, fighting myself constantly and beating myself up.

First, I felt grateful because I didn’t think I was worthy of the love they said they felt for me. So I always acted gratefully, I wanted to show I loved them, then I shift the focus from me to them, As I could literally say thank you for loving me—I didn’t feel deserving, I didn’t love me. And because of how grateful I felt I always kept things bottled inside, I avoided saying things that might get anyone angry or even cause them to leave.

I was working through a lot, always comparing myself with people, am I pretty enough? Am I fun or funny? These were some of the things I was insecure about, And after my weight gain and I went from 40% to 100% insecure

It became worse always trying to be good enough and do things perfectly so that I don’t lose them, giving, giving and giving all I could give, just to make them stay. The constant worrying of what my partner was doing, who they were texting, what they were up to, if they were still the same person or if they were no longer the person I used to know.

And to be honest that’s fear.

Do you believe you can be with someone without really being yourself?

Yes, I do.

I hid and I kept playing the roles of who they thought I was, trying to keep up with who they expect me to be. Scared of being called a weirdo or crazy, not showing my different sides, not sharing the things I felt deep down, the things that ran through my mind.

And oh I won’t forget about the negativity, the pessimistic thoughts in my head, a defense mechanism just to make things hurt a little less. I always expect them to cheat by saying “you can have stuff with other people just use protection” and right now I find this unacceptable and stupid.

(I didn’t know a lot then but now, I know. It’s kind of a trend and I think it’s unacceptable, will talk about this in another post, stay tuned).

I expected them to hurt me just to make it hurt less when it eventually happened and yup, I don’t get disappointed.

You attract what you think

So, if you asked me who I was then my answer would be I don’t know, because, I didn’t have an identity, I didn’t know myself or rather she wasn’t figured out.

I always put other people first. I remember my dream or my plans changed whenever my partner’s plans changed, always making room for myself in their dreams and not having mine. I gave them the responsibility of my self-love and happiness, and when their “feelings” for me change the way I felt about myself changed too, I blamed myself.

But the thing that gets me the most is, why didn’t I leave whenever everything went bad and the signs clearly read “leave”, why did I have to stay back and suffer emotionally, why does suffering have to be the measure of the “hard work” you put into a relationship? So you can say, “I did my best in that relationship”.

Honestly, I ask myself a lot of questions now.
Who am I? in whatever relationship I am in, even if it’s just friends or family. Am I really being myself? Or am I pretending I’m okay? Or am I hiding who I really am?

Well, I am happy it all ended, and I’ll say it ended the way it should have, the break-ups the holding on for months, the trying to form (pretend) friendships because you don’t want to seem too dramatic or too sensitive or didn’t just want to let them go—no matter how it ended, it ended how it should have: nasty, destructive, calmly, angrily, because I got to see myself finally, for who I really was at those points in my life.

I needed to wake up and find myself.

Happy Birthday To ME!!

It’s my birthday, and I still get very excited.

There’s been a lot of changes in the past one year, this year has been about self-improvement/self-development for me. I wanted better and I got it, I am happier, still uncovering this person I am and I know I love her and won’t want to lose her again.

This is one of the reasons I always talk about self-definition a lot, I hope people wake up and start discovering and defining who they are.

One thing I am grateful for is that I woke up.

If you noticed most of the things I did or thought were all fear based and I have come to understand we humans act on love or fear. I did a lot based on fear, but now, I’m trying love instead.

I realize love is not just by thinking about other people, it is also about thinking of yourself.

And so, I’ll like to ask you, who are you in the relationships you’re in?
Do you recognize yourself?
Are you happy?

Thanks for reading.

Just sharing.

Cindy.

Featured Image:

Unsplash photo by Denerio Watkins

Unspash photo by Wesley Caribe

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